Confessions of a People-pleaser

For those of you who know me the title of this blog is no surprise…I am a people-pleaser! I like people to feel happy and cared for when I am around. I hate saying no as I often feel a sense of guilt. I feel like a bad person, selfish or lazy…I am a people-pleaser and proud!

Is it just me? No definitely NOT! Most assistants with the PA gene feel the same, caring and being helpful and of service comes very naturally to us. This is not a bad characteristic but it can be so easily abused. So I put it to you that the users, abusers and manipulators are the REAL problem.

It took me a long time to learn how to say no and to preserve my own energy reserves and sanity. The most profound thing I learnt is that when you say yes to everyone, you are indirectly saying no to someone.

When a colleague manipulates or guilt’s you into doing work for them and you can’t say no, you are taking time away from what your manager needs you to do (and what you are actually paid for). So what happens? You end up taking work home, so now you are taking time away from your family, your spouse or from yourself which could have been used for your own development or some much needed relaxation. Thus truly burning the candle at both ends and not maintaining the relationships and habits that matter most.

Always saying yes really doesn’t make you the good guy…it often makes you the sucker!

Ask yourself, who are you indirectly saying no to by trying to please everyone? Who is suffering because you cannot utter the word NO? Who or what are you neglecting because you feel you have no choice but to say yes.

This is your fuel to learn to say no.

Top Ten Tips for Saying No

1. Ask yourself, is this your job? Is this reasonable? Do I have the time to do this properly without harming my own productivity or home life?
2. Does the person making the request support me when I need help or is this a one way transaction? Am I being used because I am a soft target?
3. If you have the time and you can assist it will be natural for you to do so but don’t put yourself on the back foot all the time. Be conservative with your time and energy
4. As soon as you say yes and you feel regret afterwards then you should have said no – basic rule of thumb
5. Practice saying no; pick small requests and practice, by doing so it will come more naturally when it really matters.
6. When the person makes the request ask them by when they will need this item to be completed. Be realistic about how much time you have and what you currently have on your to do list
7. No is a complete sentence, you do not have to justify yourself
8. When you feel like you are being a bad guy by saying no, ask yourself the simple question AGAIN, who am I saying no to if I say yes to this request. Ask yourself if the other party would feel any guilt if they said no to you.
9. You can say no in a nice way…you really can, and you don’t need to be arrogant or rude about it
10. Set your boundaries tight in any new situation/position at work, you can always relax them later but trying to pull in your boundaries is almost impossible

This is what I have figured out so far. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I still struggle but the point is I keep trying and I am steadily getting better at it and so can you.

It has been an exercising in re-framing my thinking and it is still very much a work in progress and I often need to think about the people and things I am neglecting but it is a start.
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Hope this helps you to be more assertive in your own life my precious people-pleasers, so until next time goodbye.